It’s a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey kind of day in the Mooniverse.
Okay, so I take back my earlier rant about how we’d have to wait 20 episodes to find out what’s going on with Chibiusa. The creative team didn’t string us along for very long at all, and we pretty much have all the gaps filled in at this point. Now all that’s left is for Usagi to take down the baddies, save the future, and rescue the Queen. Who is, um… herself. This probably won’t cause any gaping rifts in the space-time continuum. Probably.
But first: Dinosaurs?
Episode 67 – Chibiusa Versus the Volcano
Summertime is hot and full of homework, until the gang finds out that Rei has access to a private island. She’s supposed to be using it for spiritual training, but that falls apart when the rest of the scouts crash her beach for a little fun in the sun. (And no, stop asking how they got to this remote private island where there is no airport to speak of and only one boat docked in the harbor! Don’t you know by now that the answer is Friendship?)
That means it’s Beach Episode Part Deux, y’all! Well, for a little while, at least. Then Makoto makes the HORRIBLE MISTAKE of grilling fish for dinner, which Chibiusa hates, I mean UGH, how could you NOT know that about the girl you just met a couple weeks ago, Mako? SO INSENSITIVE. Then Rei makes the HORRIBLE MISTAKE of telling Chibs that should try something before she decides she doesn’t like it, and Chibiusa, SO OFFENDED by these reasonable suggestions, splashes back out into the water in a HUFF (this is how you can tell she’s related to Mamoru).
The universe responds to this by having the tide wash the Chibi away into the ocean, which is full of sharks. And the moral, kids, is don’t be an awful brat, or Poseidon will have his soldiers eat your face off.
Okay, not really. The universe takes pity on Chibs at the last moment, when she is saved by… the baby Loch Ness Monster?
Little Flipper takes Chibiusa back to his Island Before Time, where the two bond over being separated from their moms and then have dinner together. Little Flipper (Chibi names him “Kirin,” but I like my name better) delivers fish for the meal, and Chibs is too hungry to throw a tantrum this time, so she grills ‘em up and FINDS OUT SHE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES THEM SO THIS WHOLE SITUATION WOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF SHE’D JUST
If the goal of this episode was to make me never want to have kids, then mission freaking accomplished, Sailor Moon.
Meanwhile the scouts are scanning the waters for Chibiusa’s bloated corpse, and Rei is blaming herself for being “too hard” on Chibs. Which is beyond frustrating, by the way, as this was one of the few times in Rei’s life she was actually super nice and pleasant, but, as you may have noticed, nothing is ever Chibi’s fault. This pattern will continue into the next episode, and I’m thinking of making it a drinking game.
Then a bunch of stuff happens very quickly: Little Flipper’s mama finds him and tries to take him with her back to their home, Chibs make a big fuss about losing her new friend, so the universe punishes her again by having the nearby volcano explode, causing an earthquake that rains rocks down upon her. But once again she’s granted a reprieve when Mama Flipper throws herself on top of the two kids, shielding them from the rock slide but trapping herself and her baby in the process. Way to go, Chibiusa, your selfishness is going to cause the extinction of an entire species! Slow claps all around, kiddo.
As they near the island, Rei finally senses Chibi’s presence, so the gang transforms and dashes into battle. VOLCANO FIGHT, Y’ALL!
Mars saves Chibiusa, the other scouts hold off the volcano, and Sailor Moon uses her halation spell to shatter the rocks pinning the dinosaurs and HOLD ON, WAIT, WUT. Moon Halation can do that?! All this time I thought it was like a high-level exorcism spell, but now you’re telling me Usagi can VAPORIZE shit with it?! Dang, you guys. Sailor Moon just got a lot more hardcore.
Her bitchin’ attack saves the day, and everyone escapes the island unharmed. The Flipper Family swim off into the sunset, searching for a less lava-y home, and the scouts go back to their island, free to eat fish now that Chibiusa actually likes them. Oh, and absolutely no one is phased by the fact that they totally just made friends with a couple of dinosaurs.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how Sailor Moon finally put too much weight on my Suspension of Disbelief Bridge and snapped it like a toothpick. Tiara boomerangs, talking trees, time travel, and reincarnated princesses from the moon were all copacetic, but dinosaurs were too much. TOO MUCH!
Now, onto the episode where we find out about the evil alien clan from the future.
Episode 68 – How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Plot Bomb
I love how Sailor Moon can go from absurd filler to Action-Packed Story Hour at the drop of a hat. That’s not sarcasm. I really do love it. Now let me just crack my knuckles, scan my notes, aaaand…
Chibiusa has wet the bed! More specifically, she has wet Usagi’s bed. Usagi is understandably annoyed by this seeing as how Chibs snuck into her room without her permission and then proceeded to pee all over it, but everyone and their mom would like you to know that Chibiusa is in no way responsible for her behavior, and USAGI is being the awful one by asking her to help clean up her mess. Remember that “Chibi is blameless” drinking game I mentioned up there? Yup. Everybody do a shot!
…Although, Luna does make a good point: It’s a bad idea to get Chibs upset since she might go all crescent-forehead power-flashy again and bring the bad guys down on top of her. So Usagi goes after her to apologize.
And now things start to get Capital-I Important. First, Wise Man (remember him?) pops in to let Rubeus know that he’s predicting a massive energy burst soon, and it’ll be Rabbit, so the team better be ready for that. Next, Wise Man exposits for us that he’s leading the attack in the future (present?) on Crystal Tokyo, but he can’t break into the city because the Four Guardians are defending it.
Back in the present (past?), Chibiusa sits and thinks of her mother, who never got mad at her for wetting the bed, and also had wings.
Homesick, Chibs tries to have Scotty beam her back up to the future, but it fails, and she flips out, emitting another burst of super crybaby energy (she’s Usagi’s daughter, all right) that catches the attention of the two youngest Spectre Sisters. She manages to escape with a little help from Luna-P and a lotta help from Luna, who gets beat up real bad (UNFORGIVABLE) but still manages to alert the rest of the scouts to the new danger. Let the Rabbit Hunt begin!
Usagi finds her first, sneaking onto a construction site, and uses her superior ninja skills to follow. Unaware of her bunhead stalker, Chibs uses Luna-P to contact Doctor Puu again. Doctor Puu encourages her to stay strong and rely on Sailor Moon and the guardians. She also pretty much confirms that the Four Guardians of the future (present?) are the same as the scouts of the present (past?), just in case the identical outfits and hair styles didn’t give it away.
Oh, and Chibs drops her own important plot bomb: The bad guys “did” something to Chibiusa’s mom, and her dad couldn’t stop it (though knowing Mamoru’s luck, I’m sure he got stabbed a few times for trying).
Usagi overhears this and is like:
And I agree. This doesn’t give Chibiusa a free pass to act like a brat at every available opportunity, mind you, but I do feel for her, because she really has gone through the ringer and been given an absurd amount of responsibility. If somebody had told ME to save the world at the tender age of five, I’d have probably just hidden under a pile of stuffed animals and called it a day. So props for being here at all, kiddo. Non-sarcastic slow clap this time.
Just as Chibs is starting to feel a little better about herself, the whole Spectre Gang shows up, followed shortly by Sailor Moon. Our baddies finally officially introduce themselves as the Black Moon Clan, who hail from the 10th and darkest of the planets. Man, and here I thought Kunzite was the most metal villain we’d ever have to face.
This probably would have gone very badly for Sailor Moon, but fortunately there’s a gang of badasses on the horizon.
“Well look at this! Seems we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?”
“Big damn heroes, Mars.”
“Ain’t we just!”
The guardians duke it out with the sisters while Sailor Moon protects her future-daughter, but then Rubeus joins the fray with a sneak attack. He assures us that it’s nothing personal: Rabbit just has to die so they can complete their mission. “NBD, right?” “BD,” says Sailor Moon, vowing to protect Chibiusa till the end.
A certain well-dressed someone vows to help her with that, too, although he had to climb to the top of a crane before he could tell us about it.
Sailor Moon halates Rubeus but good, and he’s forced to retreat, along with his Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. The scouts all crowd in around Chibiusa, and Sailor Moon implores her to finally tell them exactly what’s going on, but the poor kid can only sob into Moon’s arms, begging her to save her mom.
…And hey, speaking of her mom, guess who Wise Man has locked up in his Evil Emerald City?
Aww, snap. This shit just got real.
This, That, and the Other
- If anybody ever asks you to explain the plot for Sailor Moon R, just show them this gif:
I think it sums things up pretty nicely.
- I now have the opening theme from Nickelodeon’s Land of the Lost stuck in my head (the poppy ‘90s version, not the bluegrass original). So thanks for that, Sailor Moon.
- You know what’s an awesome idea? Leaving Juuban completely defenseless against the constant stream of Black Moon attacks so you can take a summer vacation. I like to imagine Usagi popped over to Mamoru’s place real quick and was like “Hey we’re taking a holiday so you can handle things while we’re gone right k thx bai!” How the city was not in shambles by the time Episode 68 began, I will never know.
- Did you guys see the way those water attacks moved during Mercury’s fight scene? Holy in-between animation, Batman! Granted, it meant they only had the time/money to do still frames for the rest of the scouts, but still! Sakuga!
- Also, the art for Chibi’s flashback sequence was freaking gorgeous. I want them to use that style more often.
- Hark! A plot point! A plot point? More like all the plot points. But I covered most of them in the actual review, so let’s focus on something ultra-specific and possibly silly: The future versions of our heroes haven’t changed at all. Moon Prism Immortality, Make Up? Although, this does continue to beg the question of why Chibiusa doesn’t recognize any of them. Maybe she’s time-lagged. Or has face-blindness. That does seem to be a city-wide problem, I’ve noticed.