This week’s episodes brought to you by Little Debbie Downer.
Children are being brainwashed, brothers are dying, former enemies are VERY upset about this, and our new end game features the potential eradication of all life in the universe. So, yes, if you were wondering: Everything is terrible again.
I’ll give Sailor Moon full credit: They know their way around a redemption arc, and know how to write one in record time, too, getting me to give a whole lot of damns about someone I really didn’t have an opinion about just a few short episodes ago. That doesn’t make the pummeling my heart received this week OKAY, mind you, but it does make the whole Sailor Moon Ride a lot more emotionally involving. So kudos for that, creative team.
Now, let’s all relive that heart-pummeling together, shall we?
Episode 85 – Let’s Do the Time Warp Again
The Moonies have spent all their time offscreen searching for Chibs, but to no avail. This is because Wiseman has her strung upside-down in his Umbrarium, forcing her to “remember” that one time her mom and dad were kinda mean to her and everyone forgot her birthday. Even a five-year-old should be able to tell that these are BS implanted memories, but this is Chibiusa we’re talking about, and trust has never been her strong point.
And so with a burst of Wisemagic, Chibiusa ages at least 10 years and gets decked out in black velvet and rhinestone chokers. Ugh, kids and their rebellious phases.
She also gets a nifty little Black Moon Clan crescent on her forehead, because logos boost team unity and stuff. She ALSO gets a new name—Black Lady—but shouting “Dammit, Black Lady!” for the next however-many episodes is gonna make me feel uncomfortable and kinda racist, so I’m going to call her NegaChibs instead.
Demande is pretty stoked about his newest minion/partner (she’s like an evil version of his crush!), and at Wiseman’s request, he and NegaChibs head back in time to build a new Dark Gate and destroy the Tokyo of the past. The resident wet blanket (Saphir) is all “Don’t trust Wiseman, he probably killed Esmeraude!” but Demande’s too focused on revenge to worry about trivial details like who’s betraying who.
Of course Doctor Puu immediately senses this latest bit of time travel and appears before the Moonies, alerting them to “Small Lady’s” weird aura and opening a door to the past for them. Tux tries to get Doctor Puu to tell them about the “calamity” that almost destroyed Earth, but she’s all:
And sends them on their way. The Time Vortex spits them right back into the past (making the corridor/labyrinth trip from last time a pretty literal time-waster), where they immediately spot the Mega Dark Gate that Demande and Bla… NegaChibs have created. Go scouts go!
NegaChibs intercepts them before they can reach the growing portal, which is all kinds of bad news bears, because doing so reunites her with Luna-P, her “only friend,” and it goes all Nega-P on us, too. The scouts quickly realize that Evil Pink Bunhead = Chibiusa and that she’s been brainwashed (aw, just like her daddy last season!), but alas! Usagi’s Fierce Friendship Speech has no effect! Good thing Dad’s here to lay down the law.
Usagi tries to use the Silver Crystal to cleanse Chibs of the dark energy, and Chibiusa begins to revert to her old self as she remembers that nobody actually forgot her birthday—they were just planning a surprise party for the next day. “Well, that was easy,” your unwitting recapper thinks, right before Wiseman shows up to freshly scrub out Chibi’s brain and convince her that the surprise party is the REAL fake memory.
…Wait. So Refreshing didn’t work? And Fierce Friendship Speeches didn’t work?!
And so NegaChibs vanishes into the night, leaving me to shake my first in frustration and the scouts to wonder how they’ll ever manage to save her.
Episode 86 – Le Morte d’Saphir
While the boys are out handling the boring recon stuff, the scouts go back to Usa’s house to have some snacks and stare gloomily at Chibiusa’s old teacup (she’s basically been wiped from the Tsukino family’s memories, but a shadow of her still lingers). They don’t know what to do, but Hope and Friendship will keep them fighting even so.
Meanwhile in the future, Wiseman is being extra-special evil, calling on “silence” and “emptiness” and going on about an almighty “Death Phantom” (which is either his real name or the name of the Chaos God he serves—I wasn’t totally clear on that). Saphir overhears him monologuing about how he’s using Demande to destroy everything, INCLUDING the Black Moon Clan, so he can “bring silence to the universe.” Saphir is all:
And rushes to the root cellar, where the evil glowing Koosh ball is even more evil and glowy than usual. Saphir swipes the control panel just as Wiseman appears. The two bandy a few witty barbs back and forth:
Wiseman: You put that back!
Saphir: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Then Wiseman tries to blast him into next century, but the badly injured Saphir manages to escape by teleporting to the past.
And speaking of the past, here’s a blast from it:
Petz spots Saphir staggering through the streets (Me: “So THAT’S the guy she ate an entire cake over!”) and the sisters chase after him, which is fortunate since he pretty much immediately collapses against a tree and passes out, dreaming of that one time he and his brother found a tiny flower on Nemesis and were really happy and adorable about it. Demande has always had revenge on his mind, but it seems he wasn’t a total jerkwad until Wiseman showed up and started messing with his head. He’s got a habit of doing that, it seems.
Saphir awakens from his memory-dream-nightmare to find his injuries bandaged and Petz watching over him.
She explains why they “betrayed” the clan and talks up Sailor Moon for a while. They’ve learned about kindness and trust and are happy living on Earth, she says, which only makes Saphir more conflicted about the clan’s goals. Only solution: He’s got to talk this over with his bro.
“But you’re injured!” says Petz. “But FAMILY!” says Saphir. He promises they’re “just going to talk” and says he’ll come back when he’s done and gives her his jacket to keep until he gets home and COME ON, SAILOR MOON, DON’T MAKE ME LIKE THIS GUY AND SHIP HIM WITH SOMEONE, YOU ALREADY TOLD ME IN THE EPISODE TITLE THAT HE’S GONNA TO DIE, NOW YOU’RE JUST RUBBING SALT IN THE WOUND.
Worried for her sister’s new bae, Koan rings up Usagi and asks her to help. At last given a new mission, the scouts suit up and head out. Good timing, that, because Wiseman (the lying liar) is insisting that Saphir betrayed them and stole the control panel for the evil glowing Koosh ball, which is still evil but notably less glowy. When Demande hesitates to deal out justice, NegaChibs volunteers to take Little Brother down.
There’s some nice stuff in here about how the scouts
are inclined to trust people, and Tuxedo Mask gets to use a rose to flip the birdie (teehee), which is good times, but all of that gets overshadowed by Demande entering the scene. He badly wants to believe his brother isn’t a traitor and is more than willing to listen
to his side of the story, so Saphir opens his mouth to tell him that Wiseman is really WHOA-LY SHIT ENERGY BLAST.
Wiseman shows up, oh-so-kindly offers to kill the traitor for Demande, and then turns Saphir into a crater before Demande can give an order one way or the other. He steals back the control panel and vanishes with NegaChibs in tow, leaving Saphir to die in Tuxedo Mask’s arms.
Demande approaches the Moonies, but he isn’t interested in fighting them or even creeping on them—no, he just wants to take his brother’s body home.
Looking more than a little enraged, Demande vanishes as well, presumably to lay the smack down on Wiseman. And… I’m… cheering for… the attempted molester? What the hell, Sailor Moon. I don’t even know HOW you managed that.
Oh and also Saphir’s jacket falls off its hook and Petz cries out her feelings and END OF EPISODE BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD GETS TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK, YOU GUYS. Not. One. Thing.
This, That, and the Other
- Ahoy! So THERE’S the Usagi/Rei ship I’ve heard so much about!
- The local news reporters’ biggest concern about the apocalyptic crystal tree jutting out of their city and reaching into a sky of swirling purple lightning? It’s disrupting traffic. This just in: Absolutely nothing phases the people of Juuban anymore.
- Aww, look at NegaChibs, posing atop tall structures just like Mommy and Daddy!
- The Episode 86 title (“Saphir Dies”) spoilered the HELL out of what followed, but I actually think that made it more painful. It was kinda like watching a Shakespearean tragedy: I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn’t keep myself from caring SUPER HARD at the TV and wishing it wouldn’t.
- Hark! A plot point! Why did Demande attack Earth? So he and his brother could CLAIM A FLOWER GARDEN OF THEIR OWN! MWAHAHAHA!…But seriously, am I the only one who kinda feels like their anger was justified? I get that their ancestors pissed off the ruling monarchs, but eternal exile on a frigid, desolate planet is some tyrannical shit, right there.
And because I want to end on a lighter note, here is a screenshot I accidentally took while trying to snap a pic of Chibiusa running in the rain:
I feel better already.