Sailor Moon Newbie Reviews: Episodes 83-84

See, this is why you should never trust someone who goes around calling themselves “Wiseman.”

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While this may have been the calm before the storm, it sure as heck didn’t feel calm, as there were (super uncomfortable) kidnappings, dragons, character deaths, and more creepy villains than you can shake a Moonstick at. With stalkers to the left and evil wizards to the right, Usagi and the gang have got their work cut out for them.

Fortunately, they’ve also got a hologram of 1000-year-old King Mamoru to help them on their way. Yeah, you heard me. A 1000-YEAR-OLD HOLOGRAM KING IN A TUXEDO. And a mask. Times may change, but the gentleman hero never goes out of style.

The Recaps

Episode 83 – The Once and Future Tux

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So now we’re in the future, where everything is frozen and dead and depressing, sort of like Chicago in February. Chibiusa decides to take off by herself into this icepocalypse, leaving the others to chase after her. But before they can find her, a certain special someone finds them, first.

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Yes, it’s King Endymion (or a hologram of him, at least), who is not only Tuxedo Mamoru in the 24th-and-a-half 30th century, he’s also the guy who’s been sending Spooky Prophecy Dreams to our miracle romancers! Oh, and he’s got Chibs squirreled away in a crate somewhere, so we can stop worrying about her and follow him back to his home base, where he’s keeping both Chibiusa and the exposition.

Gather ‘round, boys and scouts, ‘cause it’s story time! Long ago, the earth fell into an ice age, but “Neo Queen Serenity” turned the Silver Crystal into a giant microwave and sped up the defrosting process. Then she and her hubby took over the world (like ya do), establishing Crystal Tokyo as their base.

(Reenactment)

I mean, sure, there was this one teeny, TINY uprising, but they handled it like a proper pair of monarchs: By “cleansing” the majority of the enemy army and forcing the survivors to flee into space to begin anew on a cold and unforgiving foreign planet. Hooray? And so a great time of peace came upon the earth.

But everything changed when the Fire Nation Black Moon Clan attacked. The refugees’ new home was Planet Nemesis, the 10th and super-evillist of the planets (I miss you, ‘90s solar system), which gave its inhabitants special powers and generally just made them unpleasant at dinner parties. They blindsided Crystal Tokyo with a surprise attack, badly injuring King Endymion (hence the hologram form) and nearly killing the queen. The four guardians kept her alive, but they had to encase her in crystals to do so, sending her into a deep sleep.

“That’s the gist of it,” finishes the King. “Oh-and-P.S.-the-four-guardians-are-the-scouts-and-the-queen-is-Sailor-Moon-and-Small-Lady-is-your-and-Mamoru’s-future-daughter-so-y’all-are-basically-swimming-in-time-paradoxes-right-now aaaand I think that covers it. You got all that?”

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SHOCK! Future SHOCK!

While Usagi and Mamoru remember how babies are made, King Tux (how’d you get so funky?) fills them in on the Black Moon’s plans (which we at home already know). King Tux then asks them to protect Chibiusa, and blips out right before Demande shows up and uses his Evil Third Eye to paralyze everyone and kidnap Usagi. Man, when Sailor Moon decides to get its plot on, it does NOT take breathers.

Thankfully King Tux (conveniently reappearing once the danger has passed) knows where Demande has taken Usagi, so they can go find her before the episode ends. But first, things have to get really, reeeeally uncomfortable, as Usagi wakes up in a mysterious bedroom wearing a weird butterfly dress.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I actually miss Beryl.”

To make matters worse, she can’t transform out of said dress because the Malefic Black Crystal (MBC) is draining her energy. And how do we know this? Because Demande shows up in her bedroom all stalker-like to drop some world-building and leer.

Then, as if knocking her unconscious and dressing her in perfectly fitting clothes (where did he even GET that dress?) wasn’t creepy enough, he uses his Third Eye to paralyze her and tries to very literally steal a kiss. Which is about when I started shouting on repeat:

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But just when things are about to reach the breaking point of dark and disturbing, through the tension cuts Tuxedo Mask, MUTHAFUGGIN HANDGLIDING TO THE RESCUE. Then he breaks a window, finds a good Posin’ Ledge, and gets to rose-slingin’!

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“I heard things were getting serious. WELL NOT ON MY WATCH, THEY AIN’T.”

Oh, and his cape can TOTALLY deflect Third-Eye Beams. Tuxedo Mask, you are beautiful animal.

The pair escape thanks to some handy EXPANDO!Cane action and a “mystery” attack—which, turns out, came from Esmeraude (I KNEW there was a reason I liked her!). As she and Saphir bond over how Sailor Moon is totes the worst, Usagi and Mamoru handglide (seriously, God bless you, Tuxedo Mask) to safety and prepare themselves for the upcoming battle against their creepiest enemies yet. And while it’s nice to see Mamoru returning the favor for all those times Usagi rescued him back in Season 1, I do hope Usa’s the one who gets to waste Demande in the end. She’s more than earned that right.

Episode 84 – The Wiseman Cometh

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On Planet Nemesis, Demande has ordered Saphir to direct all the MBC’s energy straight at Crystal Tokyo. Saphir is all “Bro, she’s not into you, let it goooo” and wants them to focus on the whole rewriting-earth’s-history bit, but the prince, demandeing as always, energy-slaps his little brother into a pillar and tells him to shut up and minion properly.

Unbeknownst to the eeeevil energy headin’ their way, the scouts rendezvous with Chibs, King Tux, and eventually Usagi and Mamoru. The Moonies enjoy an adorable group hug while Mamoru looks at King Tux as if to ask “Hey, do I have any friends in the future?” and King Tux looks back as if to say:

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The team heads into Queen Serenity’s Crystal Chamber, where King Tux finds that last bit of exposition he’d left lying around: The Silver Crystal was lost and/or taken right before the Black Moon’s attack, which is why the queen’s gone all Sleeping Beauty on us. Usagi activates her own Moon Disco Powers to awaken the queen, but alas, to no effect.

Chibs (who has been standing around guiltily all episode) can no longer hold in her insatiable desire to flee from her protectors and dashes out of the room. Usagi tries to follow, but Mamoru stops her because Chibi needs to be alone right now, he says. “Besides, she’s safe in the palace, and there’s NO WAY she’d ever be foolish enough to actually LEAVE, right?”

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Are you KIDDING ME, Mamoru? The FIRST thing she’s going to do is leave the palace! Which she does, of course, chilling sadly in the Juuban Park ruins until Wiseman inevitably finds her. He busts out his onyx ball and awakens Chibiusa’s buried memories, and we discover that SHE was the one who stole the cookies from the cookie jar Crystal from the palace.

See, her jerky servants kept complaining about how she was clumsy and unrefined and why couldn’t she be more like her graceful (PFFT) mother, so she figured she could “borrow” the Crystal to help her become a “proper lady.” But the Crystal vanished as soon as she touched it, leaving Crystal Tokyo (and her parents) all but defenseless against the Black Moon attack. Chibs was so wracked with guilt about the ensuing carnage that her tiny child brain sealed the memory away.

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Ah yes, the classic “La la la, I can’t hear you, la la la!” defense.

Wiseman bombards her with visions of everyone blaming her for something that pretty much IS her fault, but Chibs (as we know) has responsibility issues and refuses to take the blame. Wiseman agrees (never a good sign, that), and says that if she takes his hand, he’ll give her the power to make everyone else understand “her truth.”

So she does, and the evil glowing Koosh ball goes wild!

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And once more, with feeling: DAMMIT, Chibiusa!

Esmeraude and Saphir are hanging out in the Root Cellar when it happens, discussing the dangers of the MBC (and yes, I’m only just now realizing that the evil glowing Koosh ball is the MBC, shut up) and how Demande had better not be trusting this Wiseman punk. Esmeraude’s done dancing to Wiseman’s tune and decides to use HIM instead, so she goes to his Umbrarium (it’s like a solarium, but for shadows!) and asks him to shoot her up with some-a that sweet Cosmic Power so she can take out Crystal Tokyo once and for all.

Wiseman obliges, Esmeraude goes Super Minion Level 2, and I am STOKED, I am seriously SO excited to see her take on the scouts and get into some epic scrapes and ultimately decide to team up with them so they can take down Wiseman together…

…For all of five seconds, anyway, which is exactly how long it takes to discover that Wiseman gave her a lethal dose of power, and she quickly ODs and dies. Forget Chibiusa—DAMMIT, WISEMAN!

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Good night, sweet flunky, and may droids sing thee to thy rest.

Cut quickly to the Crystal Palace, where not a single person will think to ask “Hey, where’s Chibiusa?” for the next hour or so, because a dragon(?!) has decided to attack the palace.

Proving that 1000 years of existence has only made The Tux’s advice MORE cryptic, King Tux tells the Moonies that the dragon is created by “energy of the mind” and that they need to “see its actual form.” Then he waves them out the door to kick its ass.

A prolonged fight that feels very much like an old-school RPG mini-boss battle plays out for a while, with everyone slowly chipping away at the dragon’s HP until Usagi and Mamoru finally figure out what King Tux meant, which was basically “STAB IT IN THE FACE.” So they do, shattering the gemstone in the dragon’s forehead, halating it, and…

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THE DRAGON WAS ESMERAUDE?! Aww… so that means… when he… her spirit was… AWWW! Forget Rubeus—Wiseman, you DICK.

She cries for Demande at the end and he seems to hear her, but that’s all the catharsis we’ll get for our raucous-laughing, fan-fluttering, cake-loving diva. As I quietly mourn her passing, King Tux proves his Father of the Year coffee mug isn’t just for show when he finally(!) notices that Chibiusa isn’t in the palace. Gulp.

And on the other side of the solar system, Wiseman mutters ominously to himself about his “true objective,” which has nothing to do with the Black Moon Clan, and just might have a little something to do with a certain pink-haired bun-head. Double gulp.

This, That, and the Other

  • So remember all those Spooky Prophecy Dreams that nearly destroyed our miracle romance? Yeah, turns out that was just the King “testing” the strength of Usagi’s and Mamoru’s bond. So that entire damn breakup subplot basically amounted to a midterm which, had the young couple failed it, would have effectively erased Chibiusa from existence. I feel like Daddy didn’t think this one through, Chibs.
  • As much as I despise Demande for being Mayor McCreep of Creepersville, I still kinda love that his answer to Usagi’s question “Why attack Earth?” was basically “Why NOT attack Earth?” Villains gonna villain, y’all.
  • My initial reaction to King Endymion was “Wow, you should NOT be in charge of things,” but if you buy into the theory of a singular time line, what he does this week is actually kind of genius. Usagi HAS to get kidnapped because she already has, and Chibiusa HAS to run off and meet Wiseman because she already has—and at the end of the day, Young Tux and the Moonies HAVE to save the world, because clearly they already have. King Tux is preserving the time line, you guys! And, given that the universe hasn’t unraveled yet, I’d say he’s doing a bang-up job of it, too.
  • Hark! A plot point! Everybody heard the creepy child giggle in Wiseman’s Umbrarium, right? I’m gonna be shouting “Dammit, Chibiusa” a whole bunch next week, aren’t I?
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